My hand turned me down
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
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