God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
