Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
