You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
