I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
