I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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