Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
