If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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