I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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