highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
