there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
