Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
