im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Randomize
