he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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