apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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