Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
