Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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