I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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