Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
