I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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