We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
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You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
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Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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