I think I died a long time ago.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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