True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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