12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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