i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
