I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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