when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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