Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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