So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
