so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
