i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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