i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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