My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
