I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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