this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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