Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
