i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
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So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
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You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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