How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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