The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
