i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
