Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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