Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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