She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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