dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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