i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
