Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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