Your mouth is God's brothel.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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