Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
