Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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