I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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