if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
