I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
