You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
