Moan for me like Helen Keller
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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