i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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