Your face is a jimmy john
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"