im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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