am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
if only i could text you this smell
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
