You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats