I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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