True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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