he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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