A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
