I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
